So top thing is what you would expect an editor to say, and that is your pacing is kind of off. I was seeing places where you could get a bigger laugh if you held for longer ie at 5:30 if you were to pause and make an expression like your friend was concerned or possibly just the gap alone you would allow for the audience to think about it and get the joke instead of you telling them the joke if that makes sense. This is just basically the comedy is tragedy + time. Milk those jokes hold for laughs, and all that jazz. Take a look at this video of eddie izzard listen to when he slows down and speeds up, and how the audience reacts.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60T_6ubNFp4

Next up would be your tone. It seems like on occasion you’re saying the lines and not feeling the lines. This is something that would just be a result of practicing your bit. It’s just like working with an actor. The first couple passes are just to get the lines in the system, and after that you add the emotion.

So something I like about comedy, and what you will see in that eddie izzard skit, is that absurdity is funny, and this goes under what I refer to as contrast. So in the bit he makes sounds like a dinosaur and then adds “says jesus” it gets a laugh because it is not what you expected. So for example, I think if you added in the dinner date section, instead of the date just flat out saying you have a lazy eye, have him ease into it, and then quickly change to lazy eye so something like asking you if you like the peas, and then asking about the lazy eye.

That’s probably enough notes for now, but you have a good start. I got a big laugh from the who wants to date a chicken line. But again this is my idea of funny which may not be yours, and since you’re just starting off maybe you just need to work out your style more to get it to work without any of my notes. Maybe the only way to do this is to get in front of an actual audience instead of your webcam. Also, I think just sitting and watching some standup on youtube, and analyzing what it is that makes an audience laugh is a good idea. You always make me laugh and smile nicole so I know you’ve got in you it’s just a matter of figuring out how to get that to translate into a stand-up situation.